Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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