thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
