Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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