i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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