No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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