Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
