I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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