I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
