he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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