so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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