??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
