Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Is it penis luge time yet?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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