Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
