The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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