You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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