You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
