i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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