"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Randomize
