look no pants
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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