My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
