So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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