great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So vagazzling was a success
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
