i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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