I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
