if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
