the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Randomize
