that's an acceptable place to lick
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
