do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
