I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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