It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
