it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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