Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
