Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
