mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
