If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
