We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Randomize
