On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
