Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I can't turn off my feet"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
