Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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