she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
