why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
