At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
