your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
