Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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