Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
