Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
