Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
