He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
