I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
