Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
