Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
